Reality Check: September Edition
- Sep 21, 2017
- 4 min read
Friends! It's September, which means the beginning of a new season, new priorities, and a fresh new line of coffee flavors that I don't get to indulge in because this girl moved to Northern "No Starbucks" BC.
...I'll get over it eventually, I swear.
This month started off with a bang for me; the first week of September was jam-packed with a road trip to my second home, a beautiful sister-visit, and a long anticipated date with the Operating Room. I'll spare you all the details, because the only really important thing is that the surgery went as well as it could've, but I will tell you this - recovery sucks.
Now, some of you may remember me whining about this *exact same thing* back at the beginning of the year when I was bleeeeessed with about 2 full months of sitting/laying/being miserably stuck inside my broken body after my car accident...and to those of you that have listened to my endless complaining and rants about being bored and wanting to just be b e t t e r a l r e a d y , I would like to formally thank you for still loving me and not asking me to kindly stop being so annoying. Because I know I'm being a brat, and I know I'm being stubborn, and when I hurt myself more last week by going back to work only 4 days after being in the hospital getting pieces of my insides pulled out,
I KNOW THAT YOU TOLD ME SO, OKAY?!!
The fact is, I'm just not so good at waiting. Because, for some odd reason, I have it in my thick head that I know better than God, and the medical professionals, and all the wise mentors and grownups that I have in my life telling me that I should stop being so dumb and take it easy. I think I know better, but I don't.
I reeeeeally don't.
But believe me when I tell you - I have officially learned my lesson. And all it took was a breakdown in the middle of an all-staff-present meeting, where I inconsolably bawled my eyes out in front of every single person that I work with!
Excellent learning experience, would highly recommend...😒
Due to my dramatic little performance last week, I haven't been back to work, which means that I've had ample time to sit around and freak out about literally anything and everything that I could. And by 'freak out', I also mean complain, and whine some more, and get snappy and angry at people who were just trying to love and encourage me (...sorry, Mom).
And what I realized this morning, as I sat in the empty hospital waiting room at 7am to try and get a doctor's note to go back to work, was that I hadn't actually learned my lesson yet, as much as I believed that I had. Because healing isn't just for the body, it's for the mind and the soul, too.
Sure, I'd basically just spent this time napping and watching more Netflix than any one person should in a week, but I hadn't let myself really rest. I was anxious about my new house, about being off work without pay, about falling behind on my responsibilities and with my schedule, and I was exhausted from the circles that my brain was running. My soul was bitter, grumpy, and worrying, and it was NOT helping. And to make matters worse, everything that I had been stressing about, everything that was making me anxious and frustrated, was all out of my control!! And if any of it was going to work out, it would be without any input or intervention from me, so essentially ALL of my emotional energy was being completely wasted. And when this sobering realization hit me, I swear the sun got a little brighter and the temperature got a little warmer and my gas station coffee got just a liiiittle bit stronger.
That I even have these things to worry about is both a miracle and a blessing in itself - I'm privileged to have medical coverage that allowed me to have surgery when I needed it, I'm lucky to have an understanding employer who values me and allowed me the time off to recuperate, and I have the luxury of a roof over my head and a comfortable bed to live on while I heal.
That's a LOT more than could be said for so many people. And I can see that. And I'm done being a brat, because I've finally, actually, learned my lesson.
Slowing down to recover is not proof that you're weak, or lazy, or that you can't keep up. It's proof that you know your limits, and you respect yourself and the people you work with, live for, and care about enough to wait until you are your best self to get back down to business. As much as I'd like to think that I'm not as naive as I am, I know that I still have a lot to learn - but this lesson, at least, can be scratched off the list.
SO THANKS: to everyone who said "I told you so", I'm sorry for not taking your advice to heart. To everyone who prayed for me, or sent me messages, or called me to see how I was doing, thank you also. To my sweet momma friend, who sent me home with all the candy and oreo cookies I could possibly dream of, thaaaaank you. To the bringers of flowers and the mailers of cards, my heart is so full, thank you.
Jessica*.
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