Mom-Shamed.

Aug 13, 2018
3 min read

I got mom-shamed at work today.

"But Jessica, you're not a mom..."

Fact. I am not a mom. Nor am I ready to be, nor do I wish to be for a long, loooong time. I have an 11-month old puppy and a boyfriend who makes me choose what we eat for dinner e v e r y t i m e we're together - that's about all the responsibility I'm prepared to take on at this time.

However, none of that seemed to matter this afternoon when I was publicly scrutinized and questioned for admitting that I was not, under any circumstances, planning to have a child in the near future.

Worst part: I was being mom-shamed...by actual moms...

A couple years ago, I was chatting with one of my sweetest, most amazing friends. We had both just completed our university degrees, both in female-dominated, child-focused fields. We were talking about what was next for us, our current relationships, and after some back and forth, she blurted out to me that she had come to the decision that she was not having children of her own, despite what she had always thought and planned. I was honestly a little surprised, and not totally appreciative the weight of her confession, as I chalked it up to her probably feeling overwhelmed in the moment, or having probably had a negative experience that was making her feel this way. I (think) I empathized, and we moved the conversation along.

During the same timeframe, I met one of my best friends in the world, who, unlike my first friend, was super open and VERY serious about her desire to not have kids. We're talking "22 and looking for a doctor to tie her tubes" serious. I could understand where she was coming from - we were deep in the trenches of post-secondary, living busy lives, working towards our degrees and starting our careers, but it sounded like a huge decision that I was nowhere near ready to even entertain.

Flash-forward to today; to a Jessica who has grown up, graduated, started working a big-girl job, bought a big-girl house, pays big-girl taxes, and I still feel like I'm nowhere near ready to entertain that decision. I know that I love little squishy humans, I know that I would make a somewhat-not-terrible parental figure, and I know that I've already purchased (and hidden...) more adorable baby clothing over the last 4ish years than I'm proud to admit so at this point I pretty much have to have a kid eventually....

BUT. I also know that I'm not done with school, I'm not ready to give up the freedom I have to pack up my life for a new opportunity, and I'm also not ready to give up eating Oreos for dinner. Growing up in the church, I always felt *so* much intense pressure to be young, and marry young, and have all these babies while I was still a baby, myself. I have ZERO judgement towards anyone who chooses that for themselves, but I have LOTS of judgement for anyone who throws it in my face.

If there is one constant in my line of work, it's broken children. Children who are left behind, children who are hurt, children who are sick, and more often than anyone wants to acknowledge, children who are forced to be the grown-up, because their grown-up is acting like a child. Today at work, I told those mom's that I wasn't ready to be a mom yet, and they pushed me, taunting, just like mean kids on a playground; "sounds like she doesn't really even wanna have kids at all".

And so what if I don't? And so what if I'm not ready? And just what on God's green earth makes you think you have ANY right to comment on the matter in the first place?

Basically, this entire post was just an excuse to rant so if you've made it this far, gold star for you - I think that's an effective tool used by good parents, right!? ⭐️

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed and sleep like a baby, because I don't have one to wake me up crying in the middle of the night.

Sweet dreams, inter-world,

Jessica*.

*Disclaimer: Dad, don't freak out, I'm going to have babies eventually I just need to figure out how to boil water without burning myself first...