Detour.

Today, I had to decline my acceptance to Graduate school.

I had to hold the fancy letter in my hand, and come to terms with the fact that my goals are being put on hold and there's nothing I can do about it.

And part of me is SO beyond frustrated and disappointed and upset that I can’t even find the words for how frustrated and disappointed and upset I am.

But then, the other part of me is laughing because, like...if there is *one single* constant thing in my life, it’s the fact that l i t e r a l l y n o t h i n g e v e r goes the way that I plan for it to go, and yet it still all manages to work itself out so really, I just don’t know why I even bother anymore 🙃.

I can’t go to school for my Masters degree because I don’t make enough money to qualify for funding. But I can’t make enough money to qualify for funding unless I have a Masters degree, which would put me in a job that earns more. But I can’t be in that job that earns more unless I go to school for my Masters degree, which I can’t do until I make enough money to qualify for funding...and so on, and so on, forever and ever until we just give up or die or both simultaneously due to the crushing stress of financial burdens and society's over-valuing of the formalized North American education system...

BUT that being said, I’m also not the first (and I’m definitely not the last) person to ever be faced with this vicious, unfair cycle, and in the meantime I have a job that I love, enough dollars in my pockets to feed my fur babies and put gas in my tank, and a huge pile of beautiful supportive people who will shower me with genuine “aww, I’m so sorry, that really sucks” when I tell them that things aren’t going to go as planned...again...

I feel like I’ve been learning this lesson over and over for the last year (and probably for the last 23, really, but who's counting...), but I’m grateful for it every time. I have so much to be thankful for and really so little to complain about - despite the fact that I could probably win an award for complaining, it’s honestly and pathetically one of the few things I excel at. It takes me no time at all to become bored and restless and to concoct some new adventure or endeavour to keep myself occupied, but in all my rushing and planning for what’s coming next, I neglect the time and place and people in the moment. And believe me - the time and place and people in my life at this very moment are kiiiiind of amazing, and I need to make more of an effort to appreciate that.

School will still be there when I'm ready for it, and

maybe some great things will happen while I'm NOT busy being a sleep-deprived, study-focused, stick-in-the-mud student!! Silver lining, right?!

So, today I had to decline my acceptance to Graduate school. But tomorrow, I get to wake up to another day on this earth.

And I've decided that for tomorrow, that will be enough.

Jessica*,