Negative By Nature.

I am negative by nature.

I can argue that it's an act of self-preservation, I can defend myself until I'm in literal tears, but the fact is, my coping skill of choice is pessimism, and due to the fact that it has served me pretty well up until this point, it's going to be a tough habit to break. Please, bear with me.

I'm not just a Debbie Downer because it feels good, or because it's fun for me, or because I thrive off of being the human equivalent to a big thumbs down. I am negative because sometimes it's the only way I can make it through the day.

Sometimes, it's just more effective to recognize all of the things that are going wrong, than it is to try and imagine what could *maybe* go right.

Sometimes, it's just more practical to see the disaster for what it is, than it is to pretend that everything is just fine.

And sometimes, it's more comforting to hear "this just really, really sucks", than it is to hear "it's going to get better!" without any plan of action.

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I do not have very good luck. Not that I really even believe in luck at all, but if I did - I would be able to recognize that I am not a lucky person. And it is for this reason, that I tend to lean on the side of "not very positive".

Now, I understand that this is not a very desirable quality in a person; nobody meets someone on a first date and goes through their mental checklist like,

"Cute face: check. Educated: check. Negative disposition: check. Likes Dogs: check."

I know this. And I know that it can be frustrating to deal with a person who frequently tosses a dark little rain cloud on every parade, but the fact is: THINGS ARE KINDA SHIT SOMETIMES AND BECAUSE I AM A HUMAN IT MAKES IT HARD TO ALWAYS SEE THE RAINBOWS, OKAY?!

I'M SORRY.

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In my defense, I feel like I'm in a position to say that life has been hitting me a little harder than necessary.

And it's easy to point out the fact that I'm being negative and that I need to change my perspective and that I should just actually stop now when you get to sit on the sidelines not having to be responsible for everything that's going on. But what *I* would like to point out, is that I wouldn't be feeling so negative and sorry for myself if there weren't real, actual crappy things coming at me left, right, and center. And sometimes, I like to have the ability to verbally process the crap. I need a sounding-board, not a "this too shall pass" lecture. I have NEVER in my life asked anyone to feed me lines and fix all of my problems, so I don't really think that throwing that in my face is very fair.

And I get it. I know. Things suck now and eventually they'll stop sucking for a bit and then it'll all suck again and that's just life and I need to deal. Contrary to what I said like, three minutes ago, I know that I'm lucky to even be in a position for things to suck. Remember those times last year where I *literally could've died on two separate occasions but didn't*?! Because I sure do. And I'm thankful every single day for the fact that my body is still moving and my heart is still beating and I have a job and I have food and I live in a house that is falling apart and I have a sweet giant puppy who needs stupidly expensive medical procedures.

So I am negative, but I'm not ungrateful. And I'm a little pessimistic, but I'm not unappreciative of the people around me who try to make me feel better. And I'm sulky, but I'm not under any delusion that I'm worse off than the next guy.

Okay. Rant over.

Jessica*.