[Let's Talk]
- Jan 25, 2017
- 4 min read
"I’ve always likened [mental illness] to a cloud. A big grey cloud that comes when it likes. I’m no meteorologist, I just hope I have an umbrella."
-Cousin AJ
In the summer of 2015, I lined up at the walk-in at 630 in the morning because I was not okay...
I sat down in the examination room and chewed the inside of my bottom lip until it was raw to keep from crying. The doctor (whom I'd never seen before in my entire life) walked in, stared at her clipboard, and asked bluntly "so what's the issue?"
I told her I couldn't sleep. I told her I couldn't eat. I told her that I was not feeling like myself and that I was not okay and I told her that I was planning to buy a one-way ticket to God-knows where without telling anyone and just leaving...
This doctor, who STILL had not even looked up at me from her clipboard, then told me to eat more fibre, try dragon-boating and, "oh, maybe give a few samples before you go..."
And that was it.
She scribbled on a requisition form, tossed the paper at me, and left me sitting there feeling even more pathetic and unwell than I had walking in. I walked out of the clinic beyond embarrassed, threw the testing forms in the trash, and proceeded to spend the next 6 months trying to convince myself that I was just being ridiculous and I needed to get over myself. I continued to not eat, got another job, continued to not sleep, self-medicated in order to be able to tolerate my own company, and continued to plot and plan and pray that I could just pack a bag and leave town.
I continued to not be okay.
But as far as I was concerned, there was nothing I could do about it. I had been to the doctor, and I was prescribed a healthy dose of "shake it off", "snap out of it", and "e a t m o r e f i b r e". Obviously I was being dramatic, things weren't really as bad as they seemed, and I just needed to keep my mouth shut and deal. I spent the next year working hard, ignoring my anxiety, focusing on finishing school, and trying desperately to be supportive and present for the people I had around me while I was being crushed on the inside. And as okay as things probably looked on the outside, I would leave my church parking lot week after week and fight with myself when I reached the highway intersection; turn left and go home, or turn right onto Highway 97 and drive until I ran out of gas, or money, or hope, or all of the above.
A couple months ago, my sweet cousin AJ sent me a message. AJ and I have met one time ever when I was in the first grade. In his message he wrote;
"I have seen that you have been struggling as well. I guess it's the curse of the creative. Just know that you are not alone, and dark clouds always dissipate."
Now, AJ knows me about as well as the doctor did that day at the clinic. He doesn't know much of my history, he doesn't know a lot about my lifestyle, or my eating habits, or whether I've ever tried dragon-boating. But what AJ does know is that mental health is important and must be addressed when someone is struggling. AJ could tell that something was off, and if there was a chance I needed reassurance, or encouragement, or someone to talk to, he knew he could be there.
And that is all anybody needs!! To have someone send that message, make that call, reach out and look up from the clipboard and say "I have seen you, and you are not okay. But I'm here to help."
The reality is, mental illness is not a "phase". Our mental health issues don't just fix themselves. I'll be perfectly honest, I'm doing a MILLION times better now, but it took me over a year to work myself out of the place I was in. And even now I have days where I wish I could get onto a plane and never come back. But thanks to the AJ's, and the Michelle's, the Gary's, the little brothers, and the new friends of the world, I know that it's okay not to be okay. I know that there are always going to be big grey clouds in life, but that's what umbrellas are for.
So today, let's talk. Let's empathize with our friends when they are hurting. Let's be better listeners. Let's recognize that life is hard, and we're not just 'crazy'. Let's educate ourselves and the people we love about mental illness.
Let's reach out, and hold someone's umbrella when they're in the middle of a storm ☔️.
If you need to talk, I am here to listen.
Jessica*.
Comments